We have always been open to our family, friends and whoever else that is curious to know our adoption story. It is beautiful and we feel so blessed having Tealyn in our lives so, why not?....But, unfortunately the questions that come with that are sometimes truly hurtful and have left me with a knot in my throat, speechless, and at times in tears...Here are some of those questions.
Brace yourselves!
:Who is the"real mother"? is her "real mother"?
Implying that I am not the "real mother"
I always answer this one sort of sarcastically "I am" and they almost always answer "you know what I mean"? (" No I don't" is what I wish I could say) After that I completely shut down. I don't even hear the conversation anymore, It's all background noise. I am so emotionally hurt.
* By the way I never give out personal and sensitive information about birth mother ever *
:Does her "mother" know her?
I find myself saying " You mean her birth mother" again, and again and again and again and again.... I have repeated this so many times to so many people. I feel a knot at the pit of my stomach, and I tend to just shy away or change the subject..
:Aren't you afraid that she might take her away from you?
I never answer this one. Why do you think it's okay for you to ask this? The look on my face says it all. My eyes show my discontent and I start to feel that knot again. .. How do you answer an absurd question like this? I go into shutdown mode, and again it's all background noise. Adoption is a real legal change involving the courts, I am not babysitting.
:How much did she cost?
Yes, I have been asked this... I say " lots and lots of prayer and love" in a nice and polite, but with a little bit of a sarcastic undertone (just a little) usually leaves them speechless.
:Are you afraid she will want to meet her "real mom" one day?
(I sometimes get this one after I have already reminded them that she is the birth mom.) I mean really... How do you answer this personal and sensitive question? and why is it okay to ask this type question at a supermarket when I haven't seen you since high school over 25 years ago? (Yes, this really did happen)
Don't get me wrong not everyone we run into at the supermarket or mall asks us questions in this way. Most people are polite, genuinely happy for us, and just wish us all the best. I understand a lot of people are curious and not familiar with how the adoption process works and I get that. I do. but don't forget how you pose a question to an adoptive parent makes all the difference in the way the conversation continues...
The truth of the matter is that we are in a legal semi-open adoption and we are going with the flow. We don't know what the future holds for BM or the future relationship she may have with our Tealyn. We continue praying for her and ask God to guide us. The one thing I do know that's for sure is that God knows our hearts and knows what's best.
There, I've said my peace.
